Back to Reality

I am back from my vacation in Michigan, and half way wish it had been to some exotic resort where I just couldn't bear to tear myself away from and ended up staying and spending the rest of my days at. But alas, it was indeed a vacation with an expiration date and in this reality I couldn't abandon my furry children waiting for me at home any more than I could give up breathing, and I rather enjoy my casa and its king size bed. I returned Friday night with more than my fair share of serious thoughts swimming around in my brain like dazed and confused Koi fish. My musings are slimy, slippery, and like to try to rush to the surface all at once when I have a light bulb moment of clarity. They like to slip through my fingers every time I attempt to grab them, splashing me in the face with their tails as if to mock me as they swim away again. And as I sat in the car on the way back home trying to keep up a pleasant conversation with my fiance, I thought back on all the time I spent thinking about our relationship over the last week.

While sitting on that sun baked pier on the shore of Higgins Lake, all I could do was muse about how happy or unhappy I was. I imagined my life with out him, and measured the twang of pain that shot through me at that very thought. I tried to see myself as single, and what that would mean for my career and those hours not at work. I thought about it while traveling all those many miles back to Texas again, considering what it would feel like to be packing my things and running away. I didn't like the resulting feelings of those thoughts at all. The thing that probably saved me face in the time from the airport to our home, was that I had all ready spent the one of my days walking through the national park next to the cabins the morning before, sorting out some of these questions amongst the trees and nature. I had made up my mind before I landed, and it was a small blessing that I had taken that time to myself or I might have just fallen to pieces when I was met with chocolates, roses, a card, and my engagement ring at the baggage claim. It was my rock in a torrent of emotions that I sat on, knowing that this gesture of his was a sign I had made the right choice. If every thing else was crumbling, I still loved him. I couldn't imagine my life with out him, with out feeling like some one had taken a hammer to my heart, and brought my world crashing down around  my ears. 

It scares me a little bit, to know that I'm so head over heels in love with a person that even the very thought of not having them in my life makes me weep. I tend to think I'm a very logical woman, and after the catastrophe of having my heart broken the first time around, I'm also very cautious. That's why it took me a whole week to realize that I'm simply too close to the situation, and the reason why I couldn't seem to 'fix' this situation was because I am entirely too close to it. All the knowledge I spew at friends, helping them left and right through their lives, and yet here I am with the biggest one in my life and I cant even figure out what else to do. So, I did what every woman does in this situation if they can, I called my mother. She listened to me rant, then rave, then she tried to talk to me through the angry sobs (I loath crying), and then finally she told me what I needed to hear. If I love him, then no matter what I say or do or how angry he makes me, I will stay with him because that's where my heart is. If I love him, and he loves me just as much then he should be willing to work through what ever issues we have. On that same hand, she told me how much she had loved my father in the beginning and that after a while of him not changing his ways, she came to a point where she had taken enough and at that point in time she had forced herself to leave. She didn't know if something better or worse was around the corner, she didn't know if she could make it by herself and support a growing child, all she knew was that she had to look after both herself and me. (She's been married for over 15 years to my step-father and they just got done adding a sun room to the home they own lock stock and key, happy ending any one?) At that point in time she vowed to help me if and when I needed it, told me that she would take care of my pet deposit if I decided I wanted to try again because she some how knew with that mothers intuition that I would put my pets before myself. She also let me know that she thought my fiance was a good man, that every relationship has it's issues, and that no matter which way I chose she would back me up 110%. She asked me if I had 'had enough', or if I was simply frustrated at the situations I constantly found myself in. The simple truth is that I haven't had enough, because I could never get enough of him. It was our conversation that helped me realize what we need, counseling. I need some one who isn't biased of the situation, even though my mother pointed me in the right direction with out knowing it, and some one who has enough years under the belt to help us fix what ever it is that has broken. 

Note to all the women that are reading this, getting a man to go to counseling with you (no matter what the age) is like nailing jello to a tree & I don't recommend you do it unless you absolutely have too. I will not go over how horrible it was to admit to wanting to go and giving the reasons why, I will only say its like all most like admitting a defeat. Its akin to a last ditch effort, and it was hard and surprising to see him break down as he realized that if this didn't work.... 

Im trying to keep us positive, and re-enforcing the idea that this is something good no matter how darkly were looking at it. If I didn't care, or love him enough I would have given up. I would have called it quits and left our relationship for dead, but instead of giving up I'm calling 911 and trying to perform CPR until the medics arrive. I really don't know what more to do at this point, and I hope with all my being that what ever we find out about ourselves and our relationship in the upcoming sessions makes us better people and a better couple. 

My only real fear is that some one is going to go fishing in my brain. Some one can poke and prod our relationship with out me squirming too much, because I believe we have set enough foundation up to make it through that,  but the thought of some one setting their sights on me singularly gives me the scratch. I know I still have issues with some things, as I'm more self conscious than most and have realized my flaws, but I would really rather not have to battle those inner demons and the ones hiding in the sheets with me every night at the same time. Isnt there some type of rule about double teaming? I think we should just leave some things stashed away in the back of the closet, and allow ourselves to look in the mirror and pretend. Its only the ones that crawl out and start to disrupt the every day life that should be beaten back into submission and put back in it's box......I wonder what social anxiety looks like, insecurity, or jealousy. I bet you jealousy isn't green. I bet you she's a tall, leggy blonde, with a little yappy dog in a pink purse who rides around in the side seat of a Porsche all day. I hope there isn't any psycho babble about 'being one' with your issues or this is going to be a challenge. FML.